Draining the swamp?

Years ago I looked at the country I live in and couldn’t imagine a time that someone like me could be happily free and open. I couldn’t fathom a place filled with love and support for someone so broken as I was. I was a hard working guy with a barely earned high school diploma with dreams of dying so I didn’t have to deal with being me.

Later on when life came to a head I slowly started to realize that things could change and life could be better. I realized I wasn’t alone in my pain and I found solace in friends willing to support me. I also found the other side and those who sought to rid the earth of people like me. I fought past the fear of them and my own fears of life. I battled depression and stared in amazement when I realized life had meaning. I found my voice, I found my people, and I found myself.

I remember friendly debates with friends over gay marriage and not so friendly debates over bathroom issues. I also developed a voice on this blog platform for nothing more than to tell the story of who these big bad hated transgender people are. Vilified, demonized, and misunderstood we carry on with hope that society would one day catch up.

Then we had a presidential administration willing to stand up and support us. Finally securing the protections we all were lacking. Equal rights for those different than the rest. We found solace and serenity in that added layer of safety. That administration has gone now and it seemed at least the legacy would live on.

Along comes a businessman who screamed of change. Someone so far off that most dismissed him as a joke. MAGA and drain the swamp became the pathetic slogans of a forlorn demographic. He couldn’t possibly win the election…. so how many stayed home. How many went to bed knowing that Hilary would be president in the morning? Many showed signs of remorse immediately but many continued on. They are fizzling our now and many are realizing the fire consequences of their actions. They drained the swamp alright…. and filled it with feces.

I sadly feared and predicted this sort of thing but was told my fears aren’t founded…. they don’t mean any harm…. you have no reason to fear this new administration. Here we are, 2 years later and staring at a government wanting to try and erase the very existence of me and others. Forcing dated gender rules and exhibiting a form of Christian base law over anyone outside the normal box. All this from a leaked note from the White House. A way to define us away. They can try…. but they will never succeed.

Now as I was expressing my fears to my friend Tim earlier, he brought up an interesting point. Maybe it was an intentional leak. Maybe it is a feeler to test the waters on what’s safe to attack. Something to arouse and separate us all in a mass of arguing that we forget all the craziness that is coming from there. Better yet… what are they hiding? They have to be as why else would any one person or group go after such a small percentage of Americans. I for one hope it doesn’t work as for it to actually happen they would have to first overturn all previous protections placed first. So it’s not as easy as the leak assumes

I’m not sure what the endgame is here but I can be certain that I will not be erase, I will not live in fear, and I will fight to the end to protect those who are to fearful to speak out.

And to all my trans siblings:

I see you…

you are valid….

we will overcome.

Remember that the only way to fix the problem is to get out and vote! You can’t stay home and thing it’s an easy win.

And you’re surprised?

When Rosanne was brought back to air after a 21 year hiatus I cringed. See even before she was brought back to the light she was very open about her distaste of POC and those in the LGBT community. She continued to regurgitate the same hatred until the reboot was announced after which she cleaned out all her tweets of question and acted of innocence. None of this surprised me nor did her latest tirade.

She has never shown an open mind or open heart as a base so her reboot was a shock to me though it really shouldn’t have been. In the current trend of our country, someone like her was inevitable to be a sounding board for republicans in a a very liberal business. This in and off itself isn’t bad as I’ve always held that both sides need to speak and be heard to find unity in our lives but what she did was beyond communication.

Here is the thing with hate, it’s ever reoccurring and not a good basis for learning. I could never teach someone how to better act in this society using her method. She followed a mentality that because she had a show she was not terminable but alas she was. Amazing how another star has been reduced to such a level by their own actions on social media. Now I have no opinion that I carry that I’m afraid to voice. I don’t hate others nor do I find a need to judge them. For me it’s that simple. Sure I had to learn a lot to get there but I did. Now let me give a small explanation of how her actions and social media coincide:

Everything is public even when you don’t want it to be. When you write something, make sure it’s something you don’t mind being public with. I could say that on my Facebook it’s tamed but it’s just where I am at. I limit my swearing on social media and not because I have to but because I want too. I work with children and I would never want them to stumble across Ms. Ali somewhere and have any less view of who I am. I’m the same on my YouTube and that served to be a prolific idea as one of my subscribers ended up being a student in one clients class.

It’s really that easy. You can’t break a plate (throw insults) and apologize without repercussions. That plate will not repair itself once I’m sorry has been said and even elementary school kids have learned that. Now I write this being someone who is on the low end of a pay scale with very little impact on such sites. If I have managed to realize how much social media can impact then why can’t someone with TV shows learn the same?

So I bid a not so fond farewell to Roseanne with absolutely no shock in what she wrote or what has happened. But one last thought… she left Facebook after something similar and now she has deleted her Twitter. I guess we will just have to wait for part 3 to be released on Instagram.

It’s the small things in life.

“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” – Henry David Thoreau

Life these days is rather bland. I spend my days working, running kids, or filming and editing for the channel. I’m busy and happy. I’ve notice many small changes in my life and they make my smile just a bit brighter. A hobby learned combined with a hobby loved.

I’m calm. Sure there are things going on that are stressing me out such as my car breaking and bills getting paid but even now that stress pales in comparison to the stress I carried hiding. Living that secret life of Ali D was a weight bearing down on the depths of my soul. My life wasn’t about living… it was about sustaining. A life filled with more questions than answers.

Today I sit here in a calm that I never thought possible. I’m not a secret anymore and that’s freeing to the soul. I never knew how much stress I was to myself. All this has me questioning why I am so calm. Is it because I’m free or is it something more?

As many know (and some may not) I’ve carried my love of cars with me through transition and continue with that love. I’ve also gained an interesting love of photography and videography I never had before. Alissa D Photography and Autoali have become my passions that I work towards and I’ve gained some amazing friends in the process but I wonder to myself if I should be open on my channel…

I am proud of who I am and all I’ve accomplished but on my channel it says absolutely nothing about me being a trans female. To me I think it’s obvious but maybe it isn’t to others. I wonder if it’s wrong of me to not be completely pubic about it. My reasoning was two fold:

1:) It is nice to not have it over my head.

2:) I don’t want to seem like I’m using “that trans car girl” as some sort of gimmick.

I honestly don’t know if I’m right or wrong but anyway I look at it…. it’s nice to be living an authentic life. It’s nice to be free but anyway you look at it… it’s the small things that make the biggest difference.

TDOR 2017

Today is November 20th and for those who don’t know it’s also the TDOR (transgender day of remembrance).

I wrote something to help Present a challis lighting to a local church and was able to experience some amazing people in the process but many others have not had that second chance. I was welcomed with open arms as a transgender female and welcomes to speak to those who wanted to hear.

As transgender individuals we are criticized, chastised, ostracized and otherwise degraded in our own lives. We run the risk of being murdered for just being us to becoming part of the 41% who attempted to stop the pain on our own.

As many of you know I survived 4 attempts to take my own life and now I try to stand as a beacon to those who are scared. I tel others it will be ok and I stand to help everyone to see that love can win. It takes love to shed the darkness we all live in.

This goes out to those who didn’t get that second chance. This is to remember those lost to violence and those lost to society. We must say their names. We must not forget.

We are all in this together and I for one have better things to do than hate.

Image found through google search

Change

Fall is here at last and it’s late to say the least. Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground post haste in an effort to catch up with all the weather confusion. From 70’s to snow in 2 weeks or so. With this change of season we all can also find a change in ourselves.

I have always had a fear of change and a want to avoid anything that could change the status quo. I became what I was always told I should be. I couldn’t change even the smallest details. Everything had to stay exactly the same.

In the middle of the year I had a job change and for the first time ever I wasn’t scared. I embraced that I had a degree to show and a willingness to learn. While earning my degree however I knew there was one demographic I never imagined working with… Children. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to as much as it was my not thinking I had an ability to connect or help. Dealing in this arena there is a host of challenges that I never expected to face.

Sure, runny noses and reminding them to cough into their arm are just a fraction of their lives. In my position I don’t just act an adult to follow them but I have to become a part of the whole dynamic. I have to integrate into their lives to continue helping them without disruption.

This is all change that I endured along with the obvious but a larger change I didn’t see coming was no longer having my past. I’m no longer that trans girl at Lowes and I am now viewed as Ms. Ali the TSS (aside from a few people who found out at least). I certainly have not forgot the past but it’s nice to not have that everyday. Being trans isn’t all of me… it was just a small part and I take solace in the fact that my clients may never know that I am a transgender woman helping them navigate a portion of their life, but I will. I can hold on to the fact that I’m doing my best to help a child enjoy a better tomorrow. I’m working for them to no longer need me.

Another interesting change recently is I accepted an invitation to speak at a church for the Transgender Day of remembrance. Yes… a church. It been years since I have cross the sill of those doors and I’ll admit I’m a bit nervous but I will be writing a short speech and working on my best strong face to make it through.

This day and age I just keep reminding myself with Michael Jackson singing “man in the mirror”.

“If you want to make the world a better place just look at yourself and make that change. “

Explanation and a happy dance.

It’s been a while since I posted a blog so I’ll explain.  I changed jobs, started a YouTube channel (Ms. Autolali if you want to look), and I’ve been concentrating on life.  
With my job change a lot of what I had to deal with has vanished.  I’m Just Ms. Ali to my clients and just Ali to my coworkers.  No more strings of being “that trans one”.   My clients don’t know and those adults that do just don’t care.   It is like life has slowed to “normal”.  
I do plan to continue writing and hope that it won’t be too boring with the limited amount of things happening but I’ll do my best.    Now on to the congratulations…
Congratulations to my girls for their placing in a figure skating completion in Orlando!  Other congratulations goes to Danica Roem who managed to pull a victory in VA for the house.  
We will talk soon!  
Ali

Double L meet single L.

Friendship means something different to everyone but the bigger question is what is that friendship based on.    Is it a long history like I have with Tim going all the way back to first grade or something more recent.  Work, school, hobbies, and activities all bring us together in one way or another and with Facebook it adds another dimension of connection. 

As many of you would remember I took a trip in the fall to visit a friend I had found through our works intranet site.  We had a blast visiting the beach and connecting on a personal level that the computer or phone just lacks.  This pushed me to make a mental list of the people I would truly love to meet and hang out with and I’ve been slowly picking away at my list.  One person really stood out on that list and it seemed impossible that I could ever meet her because of her work schedule and the fact that her apartment is completely on the other side of the country.    So let’s imagine my surprise when we were able to hash out travel plans for a concert two weeks out and everything dropping perfectly. 

So let’s talk about this friend for a bit.  She is humorous, interesting, intelligent, relatable, awesome…. and she has really great taste in music and that’s just the beginning.   She and I relate in so many ways from our children to our outlook at life that it’s almost scary.  This is why I wanted to meet her so badly and the weekend I had….   wow.  

So Alli had to fly in from her current job location in Florida to Pittsburg (of course a layover in NC to boot) to be in PA just over 25 hours.  I picked her up and gave her the super exciting tour of my town (you know that Taco Bell combined with KFC was quite interesting) and taking her to Easter bunny lane (yes, I was that goofy) after which we picked up Erin for an epic night of fun, singing and togetherness.  From singing “all by myself” in the car to our usual whit it was like we have all known each other for years.  

The biggest thing outside of the concert was for me to take Alli to Burgatory and of course the wait was well past when we had to be at the venue so we hit Jimmy Johns (I felt like I failed her and it was my idea).   So we proceed into the venue and proceed to enjoy two of my favorite bands under one roof and on to an unforgettable night.  Side note… if you have the chance to see Against Me and Green Day together….  DO IT!

As we awoke to a Sunday morning and I was ready to order us a breakfast strombolli it dawns on us that we had time to hit Burgatory before she had to fly out.   We traveled down and in her own words “sweet baby Jesus that’s a lot of food”.   She was in a Burgatory Coma until her NC layover I’ll presume. 

As we arrived at the airport and my weekend had come to a close I felt saddened that I had to drop her off so soon.  She was exactly how I thought she would be and more and I sure can’t wait until the next visit with her.   Alli…. you’re one in a million and don’t ever change that!  

“It’s something unpredictable but in the end is right…. I hope you had the time of your life.”   

Now…. if I could only figure out a way to get her a job site here.  

She was there.

“It’s a phase”, “Think of your family”, “are you sure this is right”?   Questions ever reoccurring on a soundtrack set on repeat for everyone to hear.  The sounds of family trying to come to grips with a new reality that has been laid before them.  The thought that one day someone woke up and thought “Gee, this sounds like fun”.  There is a lot more to it and to best describe it I will use a 2 sided role of the mind.  The struggle in ones own head, well my own head at least.  

In elementary school we start our socialization.   The entire purpose in truth is to educate, but there is an underlying education of who we are to be.   “Be a man” or “Act like a lady” become staples of daily life as if being a Tom boy or feminine guy is not an option.  Buck the trends and you get your labels…. the Tom boys are “butch” or “jocks” while the boys are deamed “sissy” and “gay”.   A pre conceived ideal of the perfection we are chosen to be.   There is something more though… something deeper.  We don’t all deal with it but for the ones that do it becomes a fear that will haunt and tournent for the next 5 to 50 years.  For me this torment became years of viewing life through borrowed eyes.  

She was there in elementary school when  we learned that it’s not ok to be different.   We were born a certain way and it’s not ok to go against that.   We were separated into genders and I was told this is where I stand.   It doesn’t feel right but how could they be wrong.  I was different yet who would have believed me?   They could never understand could they?

She was there playing football.  The fact that she had to stay hidden drove me to be more then I was.   I had anger, hatred, and no sense of self.  The days of band I wasn’t one of the girls nor was I one of the guys.  I remember staying back and not dancing.  Wanting nothing more then to wear the dresses they dreaded to wear.  I remember being jelous of the girls in school with their Mary Janes, cute outfits and freedoms.    No one saw it… or saw her…  what else was I to do but hide. 

Graduation day.   The boys wore red and the girls wore white cloaks and hats.  It was only a color and they were identical in every other way yet here we were.  She was weeping as I doned the red veil that I was told to wear over my dress shirt, tie and dress shoes.   I longed for the ability to wear a dress and heels.  I longed to look how I felt.  I continued to hide… maybe I just needed to grow up an “be a man” like they taught us all those years ago. 

She was there when it came to the time of marriage.   Truthfully one of the most amazing, prolific, and happiest days in my life.   You would never this know by the pictures though as  I looked miserable or distant depending on the image.  That hidden girl was crying.  She wanted to wear a dress and she wanted to look even half as beautiful as the one she was marrying.   Strange to think back now and think about the fact that Cindy had no interest in wearing a dress and heels and that’s all I wanted.   

She was there when I thought having kids would make me a man.  To be daddy, father, parent.  To become half the man my father was.  This surely had to stop that feeling deep within.  My kids can never know what I’ve been through.   Has every boy gone through this?  Is this what the coming of age really is?  

She was there in 2010.   She sat quiet as I wanted to end this life.   She watched as I trembled.  As I tried.  As I failed.    I couldn’t believe after all those attempts that that I was still here… and so was she.  It was her turn, her time.   I needed to stop pretending that this was some split or disconnect and finally admit that she… was the real me.  This brought me to many feelings of failure as I realized that 29 years of my life had been an act.   I was playing a part to fit into the play of life.   

It’s been almost 7 years since that day.  7 years I’ve lived on time I tried to give away.   Depression, fear, angst all played a part in the reality that was him.  Now…
She is there for every play her kids are in, she never misses a game or horse event, she never hides in the shadows.   Social anxiety that goes down every week and the ability to press on when all seems like to much.  She is there for her friends, family, and holiday.  Every kiss, trip, hug, and drive has more meaning.    All this has relevance now when before it felt fake and manufactured.    We always fear tomorrow when it’s the same old thing and I enjoy the fact that I now embrace tomorrow.   It has a meaning and purpose.  She was there when he wasn’t.  

She will not be silenced anymore.   
 

Dear me….

I think today requires me to take you all on a journey.  A trip that started from a video my friend Erin posted a year ago to my Timeline.   I’ve found myself more than once pondering about what would life be if this or that.  I’ve wondered if transition the way I did it was right and I’ve pondered where I would be if I started 5…. 10….. even 15 years ago.  As much as I ponder this I’m always pulled back to the reality that I am who I am not just for what I’ve done, but everything that has ever affected my life.  From the loss of some friends to the gaining of others everyone had a roll to play.  Giving the due credit to where I’m at I decided today I’m going to write letters to the younger me.   Not just one letter, but many that address different points in my life.  

Dear 5 year old me:

I know you’re confused, conflicted, and stressed.  I know you don’t understand those thoughts in your head but believe me, one day everything will make sense.  Don’t give up on being you… even if you don’t know who the real you is yet.  Keep playing dress up and hope you don’t get caught….. again.

Dear 10 year old me:

Tomorrow is another day.  Sure you know that there is something that isn’t right but you have no idea how to describe it.  Playing football and releasing the stress will work for a bit but believe me the future holds something much bigger.  Just keep your eyes forward.  For Petes sake…. be nice to your sister….   you will thank me someday.  

Dear 15 year old me:

You have survived….  suicide is a constant feeling and depression is your only friend.  You have started to see Jerry springer and those girls on there….   you’re like them yet nothing like them.   You still don’t have a name for that fleeting feeling but trust me…   soon enough you will understand.   In a few more years you will start dating that girl you’ve admired since 7th grade and that girl is the one thing that will pull you through it all… even when you don’t want to.  One other thing…. be nice you your sister.   

Dear 20 year old me:

You will be married to that amazing girl and in less than a year your first beautiful daughter will be born.  Yes… I know you keep saying you don’t want kids but believe me, you most certainly do.  The internet will give you a truthful name for who you are and you will find an amazing girl to start you on your way.   Life isn’t going to be easy and you will have 2 more failed suicide attempts.   One day you will realize that those failures are a good thing.  One other thing….   be nice you your sister… she will always be your biggest fan and your greatest supporter.   

Dear 25 year old me:

Look how far you have come.  Married for 5 year and a father to your precious girl and you will have 2 more soon here… life should feel complete yet it doesn’t.   All that happiness seems for not.  You’re 2-3 years away from some of the most amazing years of your life but first you will need a wake up call.   It will come.  You will know when it’s time.  No matter what… don’t give up.   Soon you will be starting back to school, you will meet amazing friends, you will find strength and support.   You will find your voice but not before that one last wake up call.    You will be coming out soon and believe me it’s no where near as bad as you think it is.  When you find that voice, your sister will be your first call.   She will be there for you and  your family.  She will be the rock in all these troubled times.  

Dear 30 year old me:

Your journey is just beginning.   You’re looking back and having regrets.  You are now dreaming about what if I transitioned 5 or 10 years ago and believe me…. one day you will understand that it’s better this way.  As your starting this journey you’re fearing loss.  Loss of family, friends, spouse, kids….   you’re fearing that it will all be gone.  It will be a long road filled with many challenges but don’t look back.   One day it will all make sense.  

Dear 35 year old me:

I am now a bit under 3 months and I’ll be 36 so let’s talk about how far you have come.   Your name is done… gender is fixed… you have your degree…. made some amazing friends… but there is something so much more.  You have the love of your family.  Mom, Dad, Chrissy, Aaron, Gram, Cindy, and all your daughters.   They love you for you.  All of those fears you carried….   they haven’t come true…. but everything you have done has made you… you.  

Dear future me:

Be the real you.  Everyone deserves that including yourself.  The love will be there when your ready and the people who are important will be there for the journey.  Love everyone everyday and never forget… love wins!  No one will ever be left behind.  Don’t stop until every last person feels safe being themselves.  

Image credits to my friend Jess who made my amazing cover photo.  

The waterworks

I spent many years of my life hiding.  I sat  in high school and college classes letting my life pass me by knowing there was something deeper I needed to deal with.  I continued to hide and left that secrete with one person to carry with me.   One day in college I just came out to a group of strangers and I expected to be chastised, criticized, and outcast.   I threw myself in the fire after 29 years of my life knowing that if it didn’t work I could still fall back to my original plan.  Death…. it just seemed right when all felt wrong.  Well what I expected was in no way what I received.  I received love.  

From the start I was accepted, included, and supported.   I found some amazing friends and a new found love for my family.   I also found new meaning to my life as the mountainous climbs felt became more like a speed bump.  With this I felt different in some amazing ways.   I was no longer that mouthy country boy with the long hair in the back of the class.  I actually had an identity.  

After many years and many struggles I kept trying to get to a point where I could “finish” my transition (it’s never truly done) and be able to concentrate on other things.  This required a lot of steps and if it wasn’t for my amazing wife, I would still be stuck.   

We rented a house from my aunt and her parents lived right next door.   We always felt like we were watched.  Like some parent was keeping tabs on when we worked, slept, etc.  Everything felt like a production and I allowed this to hold me back for years until Cindy and I decided we were moving.     I found a house that I liked and being the socially inept (I despise being on a phone) and prepping for my 4th of July foreworks trip Cindy said she would call.   

She called and she did more then talk….   she negotiated and settled the deal on our home.  She is fully credited for the entire deal and when I came back from that weekend we were set on course to move on up.   After the move life became cosumed by home remodeling, kids, and everything else a parent and partner should be.   Life put my transition on hold and I didn’t mind so much anymore.  Things were feeling pretty good.  

Life was on course and after managing our lives Cindy and I finally came together to handle my name change.  I was excited to say the least and what followed was 6 months of stress, anxiety, worry, and fear.   Thoughts of if it was right (it was) and where it would lead.  Through it all and through all this Cindy held me and consoled me.   She even posted both of my notification submissions one due to my anxiety and one because I was out of town.  The only time she couldn’t be by my side was. The day of the hearing but she was still my first call when it was done.   She has gone through hell with me and how she has managed to not kill me…. I have no idea… but here she stands.  

As of January 24th, 2017 my name has been legally changed and many of you have seen this posted on my page.   I’ve followed every emotion from fear to joy but as all the dust settled and I begins the process of changing every document ever attached to me I find a calming feeling.   The stress has withered away and I no longer feel like I’m acting.   I feel complete but now I always feel fearful. 

This entire journey has taken its toll and even with the hugs, high 5’s and cheers I need to take stock.   I realized that through this entire journey my biggest supporter was the person who took the hardest part of journey. She was the one who took the brunt of rough times and she took blame when it was mostly my fault.  More than anything she gave herself and everything she had to support me in this journey.   Now the question is….  is it to late?   Did I take to much and give to little?

Funny… for so long I said one can not pour from an empty cup.   I became a bit selfish and a bit consumed in this journey yet she is still there.   She poured from an empty cup for more years then I could have ever imagined.   She is sure someone special and if there is one piece of advice I will give anyone…  Don’t lose grip of those who love you while chasing that dream.   Don’t lose the ones you love.  We are family and in the end, family is what we all have.  

I love you Cindy!!!   Thank you for everything!!! Now it’s my turn to treat you as you should have been treated all the while.