TDOR 2017

Today is November 20th and for those who don’t know it’s also the TDOR (transgender day of remembrance).

I wrote something to help Present a challis lighting to a local church and was able to experience some amazing people in the process but many others have not had that second chance. I was welcomed with open arms as a transgender female and welcomes to speak to those who wanted to hear.

As transgender individuals we are criticized, chastised, ostracized and otherwise degraded in our own lives. We run the risk of being murdered for just being us to becoming part of the 41% who attempted to stop the pain on our own.

As many of you know I survived 4 attempts to take my own life and now I try to stand as a beacon to those who are scared. I tel others it will be ok and I stand to help everyone to see that love can win. It takes love to shed the darkness we all live in.

This goes out to those who didn’t get that second chance. This is to remember those lost to violence and those lost to society. We must say their names. We must not forget.

We are all in this together and I for one have better things to do than hate.

Image found through google search

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Change

Fall is here at last and it’s late to say the least. Leaves are changing colors and falling to the ground post haste in an effort to catch up with all the weather confusion. From 70’s to snow in 2 weeks or so. With this change of season we all can also find a change in ourselves.

I have always had a fear of change and a want to avoid anything that could change the status quo. I became what I was always told I should be. I couldn’t change even the smallest details. Everything had to stay exactly the same.

In the middle of the year I had a job change and for the first time ever I wasn’t scared. I embraced that I had a degree to show and a willingness to learn. While earning my degree however I knew there was one demographic I never imagined working with… Children. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to as much as it was my not thinking I had an ability to connect or help. Dealing in this arena there is a host of challenges that I never expected to face.

Sure, runny noses and reminding them to cough into their arm are just a fraction of their lives. In my position I don’t just act an adult to follow them but I have to become a part of the whole dynamic. I have to integrate into their lives to continue helping them without disruption.

This is all change that I endured along with the obvious but a larger change I didn’t see coming was no longer having my past. I’m no longer that trans girl at Lowes and I am now viewed as Ms. Ali the TSS (aside from a few people who found out at least). I certainly have not forgot the past but it’s nice to not have that everyday. Being trans isn’t all of me… it was just a small part and I take solace in the fact that my clients may never know that I am a transgender woman helping them navigate a portion of their life, but I will. I can hold on to the fact that I’m doing my best to help a child enjoy a better tomorrow. I’m working for them to no longer need me.

Another interesting change recently is I accepted an invitation to speak at a church for the Transgender Day of remembrance. Yes… a church. It been years since I have cross the sill of those doors and I’ll admit I’m a bit nervous but I will be writing a short speech and working on my best strong face to make it through.

This day and age I just keep reminding myself with Michael Jackson singing “man in the mirror”.

“If you want to make the world a better place just look at yourself and make that change. “

Explanation and a happy dance.  

It’s been a while since I posted a blog so I’ll explain.  I changed jobs, started a YouTube channel (Ms. Autolali if you want to look), and I’ve been concentrating on life.  
With my job change a lot of what I had to deal with has vanished.  I’m Just Ms. Ali to my clients and just Ali to my coworkers.  No more strings of being “that trans one”.   My clients don’t know and those adults that do just don’t care.   It is like life has slowed to “normal”.  
I do plan to continue writing and hope that it won’t be too boring with the limited amount of things happening but I’ll do my best.    Now on to the congratulations…
Congratulations to my girls for their placing in a figure skating completion in Orlando!  Other congratulations goes to Danica Roem who managed to pull a victory in VA for the house.  
We will talk soon!  
Ali

She was there. 

“It’s a phase”, “Think of your family”, “are you sure this is right”?   Questions ever reoccurring on a soundtrack set on repeat for everyone to hear.  The sounds of family trying to come to grips with a new reality that has been laid before them.  The thought that one day someone woke up and thought “Gee, this sounds like fun”.  There is a lot more to it and to best describe it I will use a 2 sided role of the mind.  The struggle in ones own head, well my own head at least.  

In elementary school we start our socialization.   The entire purpose in truth is to educate, but there is an underlying education of who we are to be.   “Be a man” or “Act like a lady” become staples of daily life as if being a Tom boy or feminine guy is not an option.  Buck the trends and you get your labels…. the Tom boys are “butch” or “jocks” while the boys are deamed “sissy” and “gay”.   A pre conceived ideal of the perfection we are chosen to be.   There is something more though… something deeper.  We don’t all deal with it but for the ones that do it becomes a fear that will haunt and tournent for the next 5 to 50 years.  For me this torment became years of viewing life through borrowed eyes.  

She was there in elementary school when  we learned that it’s not ok to be different.   We were born a certain way and it’s not ok to go against that.   We were separated into genders and I was told this is where I stand.   It doesn’t feel right but how could they be wrong.  I was different yet who would have believed me?   They could never understand could they?

She was there playing football.  The fact that she had to stay hidden drove me to be more then I was.   I had anger, hatred, and no sense of self.  The days of band I wasn’t one of the girls nor was I one of the guys.  I remember staying back and not dancing.  Wanting nothing more then to wear the dresses they dreaded to wear.  I remember being jelous of the girls in school with their Mary Janes, cute outfits and freedoms.    No one saw it… or saw her…  what else was I to do but hide. 

Graduation day.   The boys wore red and the girls wore white cloaks and hats.  It was only a color and they were identical in every other way yet here we were.  She was weeping as I doned the red veil that I was told to wear over my dress shirt, tie and dress shoes.   I longed for the ability to wear a dress and heels.  I longed to look how I felt.  I continued to hide… maybe I just needed to grow up an “be a man” like they taught us all those years ago. 

She was there when it came to the time of marriage.   Truthfully one of the most amazing, prolific, and happiest days in my life.   You would never this know by the pictures though as  I looked miserable or distant depending on the image.  That hidden girl was crying.  She wanted to wear a dress and she wanted to look even half as beautiful as the one she was marrying.   Strange to think back now and think about the fact that Cindy had no interest in wearing a dress and heels and that’s all I wanted.   

She was there when I thought having kids would make me a man.  To be daddy, father, parent.  To become half the man my father was.  This surely had to stop that feeling deep within.  My kids can never know what I’ve been through.   Has every boy gone through this?  Is this what the coming of age really is?  

She was there in 2010.   She sat quiet as I wanted to end this life.   She watched as I trembled.  As I tried.  As I failed.    I couldn’t believe after all those attempts that that I was still here… and so was she.  It was her turn, her time.   I needed to stop pretending that this was some split or disconnect and finally admit that she… was the real me.  This brought me to many feelings of failure as I realized that 29 years of my life had been an act.   I was playing a part to fit into the play of life.   

It’s been almost 7 years since that day.  7 years I’ve lived on time I tried to give away.   Depression, fear, angst all played a part in the reality that was him.  Now…
She is there for every play her kids are in, she never misses a game or horse event, she never hides in the shadows.   Social anxiety that goes down every week and the ability to press on when all seems like to much.  She is there for her friends, family, and holiday.  Every kiss, trip, hug, and drive has more meaning.    All this has relevance now when before it felt fake and manufactured.    We always fear tomorrow when it’s the same old thing and I enjoy the fact that I now embrace tomorrow.   It has a meaning and purpose.  She was there when he wasn’t.  

She will not be silenced anymore.   
 

Dear me….

I think today requires me to take you all on a journey.  A trip that started from a video my friend Erin posted a year ago to my Timeline.   I’ve found myself more than once pondering about what would life be if this or that.  I’ve wondered if transition the way I did it was right and I’ve pondered where I would be if I started 5…. 10….. even 15 years ago.  As much as I ponder this I’m always pulled back to the reality that I am who I am not just for what I’ve done, but everything that has ever affected my life.  From the loss of some friends to the gaining of others everyone had a roll to play.  Giving the due credit to where I’m at I decided today I’m going to write letters to the younger me.   Not just one letter, but many that address different points in my life.  

Dear 5 year old me:

I know you’re confused, conflicted, and stressed.  I know you don’t understand those thoughts in your head but believe me, one day everything will make sense.  Don’t give up on being you… even if you don’t know who the real you is yet.  Keep playing dress up and hope you don’t get caught….. again.

Dear 10 year old me:

Tomorrow is another day.  Sure you know that there is something that isn’t right but you have no idea how to describe it.  Playing football and releasing the stress will work for a bit but believe me the future holds something much bigger.  Just keep your eyes forward.  For Petes sake…. be nice to your sister….   you will thank me someday.  

Dear 15 year old me:

You have survived….  suicide is a constant feeling and depression is your only friend.  You have started to see Jerry springer and those girls on there….   you’re like them yet nothing like them.   You still don’t have a name for that fleeting feeling but trust me…   soon enough you will understand.   In a few more years you will start dating that girl you’ve admired since 7th grade and that girl is the one thing that will pull you through it all… even when you don’t want to.  One other thing…. be nice you your sister.   

Dear 20 year old me:

You will be married to that amazing girl and in less than a year your first beautiful daughter will be born.  Yes… I know you keep saying you don’t want kids but believe me, you most certainly do.  The internet will give you a truthful name for who you are and you will find an amazing girl to start you on your way.   Life isn’t going to be easy and you will have 2 more failed suicide attempts.   One day you will realize that those failures are a good thing.  One other thing….   be nice you your sister… she will always be your biggest fan and your greatest supporter.   

Dear 25 year old me:

Look how far you have come.  Married for 5 year and a father to your precious girl and you will have 2 more soon here… life should feel complete yet it doesn’t.   All that happiness seems for not.  You’re 2-3 years away from some of the most amazing years of your life but first you will need a wake up call.   It will come.  You will know when it’s time.  No matter what… don’t give up.   Soon you will be starting back to school, you will meet amazing friends, you will find strength and support.   You will find your voice but not before that one last wake up call.    You will be coming out soon and believe me it’s no where near as bad as you think it is.  When you find that voice, your sister will be your first call.   She will be there for you and  your family.  She will be the rock in all these troubled times.  

Dear 30 year old me:

Your journey is just beginning.   You’re looking back and having regrets.  You are now dreaming about what if I transitioned 5 or 10 years ago and believe me…. one day you will understand that it’s better this way.  As your starting this journey you’re fearing loss.  Loss of family, friends, spouse, kids….   you’re fearing that it will all be gone.  It will be a long road filled with many challenges but don’t look back.   One day it will all make sense.  

Dear 35 year old me:

I am now a bit under 3 months and I’ll be 36 so let’s talk about how far you have come.   Your name is done… gender is fixed… you have your degree…. made some amazing friends… but there is something so much more.  You have the love of your family.  Mom, Dad, Chrissy, Aaron, Gram, Cindy, and all your daughters.   They love you for you.  All of those fears you carried….   they haven’t come true…. but everything you have done has made you… you.  

Dear future me:

Be the real you.  Everyone deserves that including yourself.  The love will be there when your ready and the people who are important will be there for the journey.  Love everyone everyday and never forget… love wins!  No one will ever be left behind.  Don’t stop until every last person feels safe being themselves.  

Image credits to my friend Jess who made my amazing cover photo.  

More then just a label

Labels can hold many distinctions in our societal circles.  They hold stigmas and sterotypes both good and bad, some are able to easily own up to their labels while others are repressed by them.   Now in this I can highlight some of the easy to spot labels but others are a bit deeper and easier to dismiss.  I will hit them all and while it may seem trite to some they can make a major difference in the society we live in and I’m going to start right off with the most confusing of them all… Normal.

Yesterday I did something I like to regularly do as a thought experiment.   There was no right or wrong answer.  Just a couple simple questions without me guiding the conversation.  “What is normal?  Along that line, what labels have been used to describe you.  In this questioning I notice a trend that made me smile and that is the reality that normal isn’t some stone set way of living.   Normal is imaginary.  It’s some made up in the idea that we all have to be some cookie cutter mold of the other.   We see this in TV adds, magazines, and movies where we must be this thin, this tall or this type of person to be “normal”in our society.  Thankfully in my friends list and hopefully more outreaching outside of them are finding this as more common.  Normal is more a setting on a dryer then a descriptor of a person.  

This leads to labels.   Sure we have all seen the common ones, but when the labels are used not as a descriptor but as an insult it tends to get overwhelming very quickly.   And even more so when you add in other micro aggressions like missed pronouns, dead names or complete denial of the other.   Pretending a situation doesn’t exists doesn’t make it disappear but sadly this all to well what happens.    Labels used to discredit, belittle, or degrade someone all in the search for some power of the other.   We have seen this not only in recent times with happenings around our local area of Western PA but also coming on a national level.   

This is why I’ve become a part of an amazing group here.   A start up group that has grown very fast in the Mercer county area.  This all stemmed from the growing realization that many in the LGBT community felt alone.  Like no one was around for them.  As this group has grown we have made many strides all in building an amazing group for everyone.   We have started discussing  some ideas and key phrases to build on and one many of us liked is what became the title to this post “More than just a label”.   
I am a spouse, parent, daughter, mechanic, employee, college graduate, friend, writer, advocate, and so much more.   Sure I happen to be transgender but in the context of life that is the smallest part of me.   Being transgender hasn’t limited my life, it has explained it in more ways then I could ever imagine.  
Now tell your story.   Tell everyone who you are.   Tell the world you are more than just one thing.   You are more than just a label.    

Image care of my good friend Dave S.   Someone who I meet for one small reason, yet have grown so much more from having him in my life.  

All of yesterday’s promises.  

I like to write about life.  Sometimes this life can be boring…. but it still exists and as we near the next holiday season it brings me pause to this year end.   This year has been full of ups and downs, fights and happiness but the one thing we seem to have forgot is the yesterdays. Promises that seem unfulfilled or feelings expressed.  See we all have to battle the chaos of life but sometimes life adds that little extra kick.   One more kick in the pants.  

Everyday I live with the hope and promise of tomorrow.  No regrets and nothing left on the table yet I continually have a tinge that somthing is missing somewhere.  I question what it is and I move on.  I always question and rarely find the answer I don’t really know the actual question. I think I lays in society and the determination of who “belongs”.  What label are we to carry and  how is it to affect us?

One that I see frequently tossed is “mentally ill”.  Fromparents of transgender children to those of us who had to wait until later in life to be freed we are accosted with the label of being ill.   Now I’ve mostly been able to ignore the more vulgar people in our society by having great people in my life.  That shielding doesn’t make the issue any less of a problem.  

The problem as I see ur is those who are more apt to call out such speech when they don’t have an education on the subject nor the interest to learn.   It’s just easier to hate what you don’t know I guess.  More over I find myself concerned about a society that creates a mood where people would rather die then be free.   Makes me wonder all the more how many people like me have died without making a sound.   

With all of this how do any one of us survive?  How can some of us thrive and some of us get buried?   To me, it’s the company we keep and our ability to be free.   So for me… society has been quite kind but I can’t forget my sisters who aren’t so lucky.  From those who can’t find employment to that mom who is being accosted for her child being transgender… we all need to wake up.  

We all need to wake up.  We need to look at our society and find a solution that involves less suicide and more love.  It is time to realize that words can hurt and unlike cuts we can see, the hidden cuts are deeper and harder to patch.   Maybe it’s true for ones to say “the pen is mightier then the sword.” especially when that pen is used in malice.   

Love each other, learn about each other, and help each other.  We can’t continue life with everyone being separate or holding a side.   It’s time we come together and love each other but if no one wants to stand together then surely we will all stand in solitude.  

“We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.” ~ Benjamin Franklin