Happy solstice… Or what ever you celebrate!

So I have been realizing many things these past few months, some good, some bad, and some scary.  The good… I have been able to actually enjoy Christmas.  I have also been able to be me for over 6 months and it has been amazing!!!  The bad, I still have a lot to work on in the ways of Cindy and the girls in this adventure.  As for the scary… I have noticed that my ability to not be sensitive has become very acute and many things that never bothered me…. Now do.  Oh the joys of learning a new me…

I’ll start with the good for many reasons, but the main is the complete change in how I am as a person in my daily life.   I finally care about life and how I’m living it.  I care about how I look, dress, and act.  I care that things get done.  I feel the need to do more with less and still be accomplished.  I also take pride in my work and enjoy the fact that I am no longer limited by the “act male” situations.  I can wear what I want, look as cute as I want and just be another girl in the crowd.  I posted a picture of my Sunday’s outfit as an example.  It’s nice to have become so ambiguous.  

The bad is another issue.  Issues with Cindy can be strained at best on some days.  Her and I went to a movie and were out most of that day and everything was amazing and she did tremendously well when we were referred to as Ladies.  Somedays she super supportive and super happy, yet other days I am the brunt of every fault and the reason things are bad. I will never claim to be innocent, but we have many things to deal with yet.  

The kids have also been dealing well, but they are starting to notice the looks when they accidentally call me daddy in public. This happened today at Jessica’s Orthodontist appointment.  First in the waiting room Mack and Haley both called me daddy and the poor lady beside me had quite a shocked look.  Then when the appointment was over they call in the parent to update progress on their braces.  Well when an assistant calls for Jessica’s dad and I get up, let’s just say that every eye was on me.  They just couldn’t figure out how this girl could be their dad.  When we got in the car Mack spoke about it and the conversation was to their level, yet educational.   It hurts me everyday that they even have to try and understand all this.

Scary parts are an interesting story of their own.  To start, I was pulled over the other day.  I wasn’t overly feminine, but I always forget that people see a regular girl and not a trans girl.  So the officer asks for my ID, registration, insurance, etc.   Well our officer was very forthcoming that I shouldn’t be carrying someone else’s ID and should have my own in any car I borrow.  So sad that I have fought to be viewed as a female, only to have to argue and prove I am “Michael”.  This process was over 2 hours and though I was released without a citation, it was a scary situation to be sure.  

What more scary is that I am so much softer than I use to be.  I was the one who didn’t care what I seen.  I didn’t care what others posted.  I have a sick and deeply twisted sense of humor so I can understand that my style of humor is different and I could always just walk away.   Seems that isn’t the case anymore and the hard person I was is going away and I need to rein myself in on emotion.  

I have become sensitive to things I should  not even be close to caring about.  I have been irritated by work emails, small side comments that mean nothing in context, thing said by my wife, being detained, even if I screw up, it destroys me or frustrates me.  Even small stressors seem like much larger issues.   Handling these things is a major undertaking that use to roll off my back.   

I blame it all on the hormones and though I love what they have done for me.  There are things I never expected to happen so I had a failure in planning.  This failure is showing massively in the recent months.   I was just lucky enough that I have an amazing friend and coworker willing to call me out on it.  I now have something to focus on.   I know what I have to look for and need to make strides in this direction to fix the things I didn’t know where broken.   The best I can do is try.  

All in all I noticed that the biggest focus I have to work on this coming year is to learn to handle my new found sensitivity and emotions.  I also know that I need to make major strides in the process of name change.  It’s going to be very expensive, but I need to get it done for the sake of my own sanity.  

Please enjoy your holidays and enjoy the family you have!   

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