Reflections on the days past is a very hard for some and it can be even harder when you hate who or what you were. It is also much harder to change things when you truly have no idea how to start. Now you may be thinking I’m writing all about my trans experience as usual, but you would only be half right. I am writing about so much more. It was time to take control and find the life that I needed and deserved.
Over the last 6 months I started a second journey and it has by far been the hardest yet most rewarding. I was dealing with severe depression, body dysphoria, and suffering from severe pains in my lower back. I was a hot mess with no idea how to fix it. This enters one of my best friends whom I have known since first grade and his name is Tim Tervo.
Yes, some of you may know him, but he has not only be like a brother to me, but he was also one of the first friends I ever told of my struggle. He stuck around, and has watched me blossom in many ways. He has watched and supported as I have transitioned and never staggered from being anything but supportive.
He has also given me the tools for my next great adventure… Weight loss and getting fit. See Tim was not exactly the epitome of fitness when we were growing up, but I watched him learn and excel. I watched him change his life in amazing ways and become a coach for Beach Body so when I hit the mark of 251 lbs of depressive pain I reached out. I messaged him and asked for help.
Now I will say that being a transgender female can have many complications, but when we traverse into diets and exercise there are many factors that “normal” people don’t have to think about. Tim set forth and made it his mission and for almost 2 weeks studied and researched everything from how hormones affected the body down to what was best for my situation. Needless to say I think he had doubts on if I would follow through with it, but he still spent his time and had faith in me. He pushed me, guided me, and showed me the way. As I write this I am down 43 lbs and now deciding to start a new program called Body Beast.
I have many friends on this program and I have watched them make amazing gains on the program but I have a fear. I don’t want my body to betray me like it did when I hit puberty. I was always well built and could gain muscle with ease, now I’m hoping that the hormones have done their job enough that I don’t get to big. Fortunately Tim is there to help and keep my program on track so that I can grow the way I need and want. No major bulk, just tone for this girl! (I hope)
The biggest joy of both of my journeys is I have found many ideas that intertwine and many behaviors that mirror each other. Body dysphoria can extend far past male, female, and transgender. Hating what you see in the mirror could be much more. I have also found a drive so many have with needing to feel right in their own skin. When I tell Tim how great he looks, he still notices that little spot here or there and doesn’t see the big picture, just as I can’t see the big picture when others compliment me.
The biggest thing I have noticed is humility. Tim has done so much for me and many others yet when anyone thanks him, he claims he did nothing. “You did the work, I just gave you the tools.” If only he could see what my eyes see. He has done so much for so many and wants nothing but so see them succeed in return. He is the true definition of humble.
Thankfully it is friends like him and his girlfriend that helped push me through. They helped me see the beauty that is myself. I’m slimming down, had a make up learning session, and just all around feeling right. I’m seeing the beauty everyone else has seen when I never could. I’m learning that when you can’t fix the issue, you can at least learn to deal with it and when I couldn’t see the beauty in myself…
I found a better mirror.
In this new mirror, I found myself. I seen for the first time that I am pretty (well kind of) and that there is more to beauty than vanity. It is the beauty of ones soul and the beauty of who they really are on the inside. I realized this is only one of the many reasons why we have been friends for so long and I can guarantee that we will be for years to come.
Picture taken by our friend Erin… I just had to photobomb Tim (left) and John-boy (right). Always a great day when good friends can get together for a walk and exercise session.
“You only meet your once in a lifetime friends… Once in a lifetime.”
~The Little Rascals