So I flow into many amazing journeys freely and experience many different feelings. Some are better than others but they remind me that I can still feel. Somedays all I feel is pain yet other times life is great. What changes is a mystery almost as elusive as the great white whale.
I spend my days working and I sometimes find it sad that I feel more at home there than outside those four walls. While I’m there, I am free. No secrets and no hiding yet once I get home my identity just doesn’t matter. My struggles are real, but not real enough to be accepted by some family members. It feels strange that I seen my uncle that I haven’t seen I over a year, yet I have to pretend like nothing is different. I just keep telling myself that there is an adjustment period needed and can not figure out when that time is over.
The up side is I wasn’t disowned but it still hurts. The pain is reality everyday. When I hear the name Mike or Michael I cringe. It hurts to hear and hurts to respond. It also hurts when I’m considered he/him. In not that person anymore because I never was that person. I was an actor trying to get the part right to keep everyone happy in the bigger play.
My life has become more of a tap dance. Dancing around trying not to step on toes. I dorm want to hurt this person or bother that person. I just suffer in the silence in hopes that tomorrow will be better. Somedays that tomorrow is better, but usually it is the same old pain. At least I feel something. It’s better than before when I felt no pain at all.
Tomorrow is another day and I will be back to who I need to be. I long for the feelings of normal, something I have never felt or know. I long for congruency in my life. I dream of the day that I can be free of everything I was. And I dream of being pretty in my own eyes… Not just Somedays, but everyday.
All I’ll say is that on my bad days, it is great to have the friends that I have. They are my heart and soul when I don’t have one. They are my lifeline to the real world. I would be lost without all of them. I can’t thank them enough.
I suffer in silence in hopes that no one can hear me scream.
image found in Google image search. Photographer unknown.