Some free thoughts. 

So I flow into many amazing journeys freely and experience many different feelings.  Some are better than others but they remind me that I can still feel.  Somedays all I feel is pain yet other times life is great.   What changes is a mystery almost as elusive as the great white whale.

 

I spend my days working and I sometimes find it sad that I feel more at home there than outside those four walls.  While I’m there, I am free.  No secrets and no hiding yet once I get home my identity just doesn’t matter.   My struggles are real, but not real enough to be accepted by some family members.  It feels strange that I seen my uncle that I haven’t seen I over a year, yet I have to pretend like nothing is different.  I just keep telling myself that there is an adjustment period needed and can not figure out when that time is over.

 
The up side is I wasn’t disowned but it still hurts.  The pain is reality everyday.  When I hear the name Mike or Michael I cringe.   It hurts to hear and hurts to respond.   It also hurts when I’m considered he/him.  In not that person anymore because I never was that person.  I was an actor trying to get the part right to keep everyone happy in the bigger play.

 

 
My life has become more of a tap dance.  Dancing around trying not to step on toes.  I dorm want to hurt this person or bother that person.   I just suffer in the silence in hopes that tomorrow will be better.   Somedays that tomorrow is better, but usually it is the same old pain.   At least I feel something.  It’s better than before when I felt no pain at all.

 
Tomorrow is another day and I will be back to who I need to be.   I long for the feelings of normal, something I have never felt or know.  I long for congruency in my life.  I dream of the day that I can be free of everything I was.   And I dream of being pretty in my own eyes… Not just Somedays, but everyday.

 
All I’ll say is that on my bad days, it is great to have the friends that I have.   They are my heart and soul when I don’t have one.  They are my lifeline to the real world.   I would be lost without all of them.  I can’t thank them enough.

 

I suffer in silence in hopes that no one can hear me scream.

 

image found in Google image search.  Photographer unknown.

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One thought on “Some free thoughts. ”

  1. My hope is that your someday is closer than you think. Your family members that haven’t accepted you for who you are should be ashamed. Family is what it is (people with lifelong ties) for a reason. They’re not just ties made from blood. We CHOOSE to continually know one another. And the biggest reason, though many have forgotten, is to SUPPORT one another. Back in the day when survival hinged on everyone working together, we all remembered…but now, life survival is not as difficult and so the point has gotten lost in the generations.

    I hope they remember soon, my beautiful friend. You are beyond worthy of that affirmation, acceptance, love, and acknowledgement!! ❤

    Like

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